I. Hate. Fucking. Gluttons. I hate them. Nothing perverses me more than a person who only knows one way of life, that being the lifestyle of excessive fulfillment. By definition (and I quote dictionary.com), they are marked as "exceedingly voracious". These are the people who never seem to be satisfied with what they are given, namely when it comes to food. Oh yeah, food gluttons are the worst. I'm talking about those assholes that you find yourself to be stuck with, usually not by choice, that begin to mark their gluttony by declaring that they're hungry right after they just ate a substantial amount of food. As if they hadn't already mooched off of a good majority of your food in addition to theirs, they're still too damn hungry to contain themselves. So they demand you to find them food. You, being the benevolent person you are, get up and, in all reluctance, fetch them some damn food. They eat it, of course. All the while, you scratch your head and ponder just how they can manage to force that many calories into their body. Then they begin to question you about the next meal. And the next one. And the next one.
My favorite part is when you ask them who, exactly, is to pay for all this glorious and apparently much-needed food. Knowing that you are, at this point, dealing with a well-taught glutton, their greedy little fingers will be pointing at you. But mark my words, it can only get worse from here. By now, you will begin to notice that this person is exceptionally unfiltered and generally ignorant. They will openly and excessively voice their opinion on shallow matters such as the weather, their boredom, the view from the nearest window... and quite possibly your haircut. Of course, the only way to satiate their constant nagging is to satisfy one of their many gluttonous desires. Probably a food of some sort. If not, then it's bound to be some sort of material item that is of high value and little necessity, such as a body spray or a cell phone case. Or they'll demand to borrow your shit, because it's that much better when it belongs to you. Whatever the case may be, a glutton is always characterized by a gaping hole of desire that only grows larger and more insatiable with each incrament of time which you have the misfortune to spend with them.
Gluttons and their gluttonous behavior are usually co-characterized by generally assinine behavior, namely constant critiquing. They just loveeeeee to rip you the fuck apart. They will be the first to remind you that your shirt is on inside-out, or that you forgot to remove the tag from your ass pocket, or that you've put on a pound or two (needless to say, you could easily remind them of the food baby sitting in their stomach, courtesy of you and your wallet). They also expect a heaping round of compliments from you and everyone surrounding them. Because there's a whole lotta good to say about them, godchild that they are. This is the part where you are really resisting the urge to remind them that gluttony is a sin. Oh yeah. That shit's written in the bible. Bold faced, I'm sure.
Regardless, you know you want to punch them in the damn face by this point. But you don't. Because you know three things. The first is that, in the long run, your ass is going to look much better in your jeans than theirs... as long as genetics are not on her side as much as you aren't. The second is that you know in your heart that he or she is going to one day be spited. If that hasn't happened under their ignorant nose already. Thirdly, you just kind of like waiting for those moments when they really crash and burn, and you're right there to watch it. If that never happens, then hey- at least plans one and two more than likely fell though. With that being said, I hope that none of you ever have to devote more than about 3 solid hours with someone who falls into the category I have accurately established. Because I sure as hell did. It wasn't cute. But you know what is cute? Kitty kitties. That's pretty damn cute. Okay (pant pant)... I'm done. Over and out.
