My life is beautiful. It really is. I wake up at about four in the morning after a refreshing two hours of sleep, I throw together an eclectic outfit of sorts that always, by some miracle, gets complemented, and I go about my six hours of state-mandated education. This is beside the point though. What makes my life all the more beautiful are all the wonderfully sophisticated people who surround me. I hope you can tell that this story is taking a turn in the direction of acute sarcasm. Anyways, the best part of my life is when one of the many brilliant and innovative people who surround me decide to enlighten me upon how great their life is. Oh yes- there is nothing I enjoy more than listening to the incomparably thrilling night you had last night, of perhaps the weekend that you just spent completely innebriated throughout. I just love being reminded how cool you are, and taking comfort in the fact that my life will never come close to matching the excitement of yours. Really, I love it. Listening to how awesome someone's evening was gives me that same warm and fuzzy feeling you get when you go to seaworld and look through the glass at the impelling marine life before my eyes. You are truly the orca whale that I wish I could be. I can only hope that your glory may one day transcend into my lackluster life, because that's what really important to me.
Therefore, boys and girls, what have we learned today? Basically, after two hours of sleep, the last thing I want to hear about is the adventure you had last night. Chances are, you made up most of that shit. If you didn't, then even better- you probably should have been doing something less counterproductive to yourself and society. Please, go build a birdhouse or knit a potholder or something. Namely, save it for someone who has had a little more than two hours of sleep.
